Here’s to a Magnificent Monday!
Thanks for kicking it with your girl once again. Okay. Now this really is the post that was supposed to go out yesterday, but as I started typing, that post, of course, turned in to something else. So, here’s what I was really supposed to be writing about.
As I was trying to take a nap on Saturday afternoon, I found I kept waking up with guilt attacks, (panic attacks fueled by guilt). Why the hell wasn’t I doing better with my life? Why do I keep making the same stupid mistakes? It’s Lent time, (I like to try to use Lent as a time to cut some unhealthy things out); so I why did allow myself to have that one Nutty Buddy, when I knew having one would lead to having “too many” more? Why did I let myself start drinking Coke again? Why am I letting myself get caught up in this bullshit at work again? Especially that one. Why am I letting them get to me again? I’m supposed to be focusing on my dreams, goals, and ambitions. Whatever’s going on in there, that I deem to be dumb, should just be background noise to me. I should be looking at the bigger picture–not getting caught up in petty bullshit. Sorry this post, has more cursing than normal; that’s just sort of where I am at the moment.
So, as I tossed in bed, in full-on panic mode, I had to take some time to breathe, and remind myself that I’m only human. Some days I let myself get caught up in more drama than I intend. Some days I make poor dietary choices. A lot of times I do break promises to myself about how I’m going to do better in certain areas. But all I can do is choose to be better in the next moment, (or sometimes the next day).
The Role of Perfectionism:
I know for myself, some of my issues stem from perfectionism. For example with Lent, I started off doing well the first couple of days. I swore off certain things like fast food, caffeinated beverages, some processed food, games on my phone, gossipy YouTube channels, etc. But a few days into it, my husband asks me if I want to go eat something after work. It had been a while since we’d been out, so I said yes. That was the beginning of the end. Once I caved in about the fast food requirement, the perfectionist in me went in to high gear. It said, “Since you went ahead and ate that food, you may as well, let yourself have a coke, or have blah, blah, blah.”
I was able to fight it for a minute, but little by little, I found myself allowing one more thing, and then another. The perfectionist says it’s all or nothing. If I can’t perfectly uphold the whole thing, then I may as well fall off the bandwagon when it comes to everything. My mind has always sort of worked like this. Things tend to be black or white when it comes to standards I hold myself to. There’s no in between. I really gotta work on that. It’s okay to mess up; but you can still give yourself credit for the things you’re doing well. And you just try again regarding the stuff you slipped up on. I get that on a cerebral level, but I don’t feel it in my heart. I hear a voice in my head as I type this, saying, “that shit doesn’t apply to you.” Oh well, there’s always a negative voice or two, (or 1000) to overcome… Perfectionism also gives way to my next category, “The Validation Game.”
The Validation Game:
This one’s short and simple, it’s the Perfectionist’s way of trying to convince me that if I stick to what I said I would do, then I’ll be a good person, (at least temporarily). If I can just be perfect, then I’m a good girl; but one slip-up, now means I’m a bad person or a screw-up all around. The fact that the other day, I got off on a tangent about how some of my co-workers are bozos, surely has to mean I suck as a person. Slip ups aren’t allowed. In order to be good, I have to always do things perfectly–or at least, so says my need for validation.
Self Medicating:
This is the one that’s most blazingly obvious to me. When I feel bad emotionally or physically, I don’t want to sit there with those feelings. I want them to go away instantly–or at least get relegated to the background, for the time being. This happens to me especially at work. Being a highly sensitive person, and having some social anxiety to boot, it can be stressful for me just to show up at work. Without my own office, and all the people constantly buzzing about, I find that I want something to ease my discomfort.
That’s usually where having an ice cold Coke or Red Bull comes in. I adore carbonation, and I just like the taste of both of those beverages, in general–so they provide the perfect temporary means of coping. Are they fixing whatever the real problems are? Nope. But they provide that momentary pleasure, that allows me a mental escape in the form of taste bud pleasure. The same goes for when I’m at home, and I start having body ache flare ups; I’ll sometimes turn to a tasty, fattening meal or munching on some ice-cream sandwiches to take my mind off the pain. Is the food really fixing anything? You already know it isn’t. But it does provide a good distraction.
Getting sucked in by other people:
Then there are those times, I allow myself to be tempted because other people around me are indulging in something that I swore off. I’ve allowed myself to get tripped up by this trap more than a couple of times. Note: I’m not blaming the other people. I’m the one with the shitty will power; but it really does suck when it’s someone in your household is buying those damned Sundae Cones. Man, I love those things.
So, I’ve said all that to say, that yes, I’ve fallen off on some of my commitments. And yes, I’m damned tired of doing well for awhile and then tripping back up. I’m tired of feeling like I’m lying to myself and self-sabotaging. But I have to hold on to faith that I will one of these days “get it together”. It’ll never be perfect, but there may indeed come a time where, when I say, “This is the last time,” it may truly be the last time for a particular unwanted habit or behavior–and until then, I have to keep saying, “Again, damn it! Try again!”
Now let me be sure that I get back to working on the main priority there should ever be for me– getting and staying more connected with God. Maybe if we all succeed in doing that, the rest will fall into place.
Until next time,
Bless your October Souls!
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| I’d love to be meditating in a peaceful environment, smelling a pecan praline candle. |